Moving Sideways, With a Heavy Heart

Moving Sideways:

Sandra was determined to get Lauren more active today. She wrote the days goals on the marker board in the room. Stroll around 7th floor, eat/drink and wake up earlier. She did get her in the bath again and managed to shave Lauren's legs. She said that was a struggle. She also got Lauren into the wheelchair and wheeled her around the unit. Not quite strolling, but not bad for a days work. Lauren also managed to eat a little more and to drink some apple juice. It sounds like she is an invalid, but she's not. Her head hurts her and she doesn't want to do anything to aggravate it. But like it or not, everyone thinks she needs to be more active.

I arrived at the hospital this afternoon to find Sandra in the hall. She said an Opthamologist was in the room examining Lauren. Apparently, upon closer examination of her MRIs, it appears her optic nerves are swollen. They said it was not uncommon and it was probably due to having 3 surgeries and grids in for 3 weeks. It may be a contributing factor to the continued headaches, but then again overall swelling due to the resection could be the cause also. Just to be safe they are bringing in an optic nerve specialist to examine her, perhaps tomorrow. Her vision is fine though.

The rehabilitation doctors were here about the same time. They did an exam and noted that she was a good candidate for rehab. She has some minor loss of strength in her left arm. Her left leg is weak and she cannot move it independently. She does have feeling in it though, so she can feel an itch on her ankle, she just has to reach down and pull her leg up to scratch it. They said she will walk, but whether or not she has a limp remains to be seen. She will definitely need an ankle brace but for how long also remains to be seen. They said that if she is released by the neurology team, say tomorrow, they would need 24 hours to pre-certify her, then she could move over to the Seashore House (pediatric rehabilitation hospital) as soon as Friday. When I discussed this with the attending neurologist this evening, she said she wasn't sure if they were ready to act that quickly, but she would have to consult with the team.

Meanwhile, Lauren complains of having seizures. She does not have physical symptoms, but she says she has the feelings. Now whether this is her brain making repairs after the resection, or if she is having real "auras", we will have to see. As of this evening, she is back on her pre-surgical meds and dosage, we will have to see if they become/remain effective or if other medications are necessary.

I speak to clients about "sideways markets" where one day it is up the next day it is down. Or it can even happen intraday, where it starts up, then down, then up, then down and closes flat. That is how I feel about our progress right now. We are moving sideways.

With a Heavy Heart:

I went running this morning on the Forbidden Drive in Valley Green. Actually, I only ran half of the five miles. My arms and legs felt like they weighed a ton. After one mile I stopped to walk, and cry. I would compose myself after a while, then try running again, and eventually I would stop and cry some more. Fortunately at that time in the morning not many people are out, so I wasn't too embarrassed. I told Sandra about it. She said she calls it "running and crying".

I never used to cry about anything. After Spencer died, I find I cry very easily now. My kids love to tease me because I cried at the movie "My Dog Skip". I have figured out that once your heart is broken, it never really heals completely and remains fragile forever.

It was really hard to run, to try to be healthy and strong, with a heavy heart. Everything just feels heavy. I think of Lauren now and how discouraged she must be. She is stuck with a non-stop headache, a gimpy leg, and feels like she is having seizures. I hope her heart is not heavy though, she is too young to have a broken heart.